Scary Stuff

I can't believe how was this program is flying. Some days I feel like this summer is going to be long and hard, but when I look at how long I've been here and how long I have to go then I start to panic. I have been here for three weeks. My days are not packed with endless rehearsals and coachings, but it feels like my brain never rests. I am constantly thinking about singing. So much to think about! For example: I have been working on Mozart's "Porgi, amor" from Le Nozze di Figaro and have so much to think about... I have to think that I am singing from my cheeks. The sound is narrows through a point between my eyes, but the sounds must be rich and supported. I now imagine an upside down egg shape in the back of my throat. I have to pucker my lips into a kiss for the romance language and slip crisp consonants into perfectly shaped vowels. I need to remember not to lock my knees and to stay planted to the ground. My breath must come from both my mouth and nose while also remember to expand my lungs. Shoulders back, and tongue loose! There should never  be any support from the tongue or jaw! Remember what I'm singing about and know the word for word translation while trying to make music with my accompanist. AND SO MUCH MORE. Who says singing is easy? I'm not complaining, but I can tell the other students are starting to feel overwhelmed as well. On a daily basis I am still hearing the warnings of starting a career too soon. When all of the coached hear me they get excited. And say: "What a lovely, rich instrument you have" and they often ask "How old are you?" Because of the size of my voice I need to be VERY careful about what repertoire I sing. As I mentioned earlier, I need to stay away from anything heavy. At first, I was excited to hear about the future of my voice, but at this moment? I'm frustrated. I want to sing. I don't want to wait! Coaches have a difficult time recommending repertoire. Most everything that I am working on, or will be singing right now, will not be for me in the future. What I sing now must be sung carefully so I don't damage my voice. I'm on hold right now. No fun. I see other 22-year old lyric sopranos ready to sing on stage, but I can't do that... grr! Since starting the program at the end of June I have had a lot of time to think about the type of career I want. It's absolutely crazy to think that I can actually perform for a living. I so desperately want to do this. I think about all the time, work, energy, money, traveling, and more that went into me being the singer that I am today and am nervous that the YEARS of work will amount to nothing. I can't imagine losing the opportunity to have a career over small things such as choosing the wrong schools, studying with the wrong teacher, or singing the wrong repertoire. The voice is a delicate, yet durable, instrument. I want to do well and show the teacher here who have given me this chance that I can do it, but the more coachings and lessons I have the more I fell inadequate. I have a lot to learn. Needless to say, this was the perfect opportunity to set me up for the coming year at Eastman. It is very scary to think that my life will be unstable for the next few years. It's scary to think that I might not make it. It's scary to think about all the auditions and studying I have to do. It's also very exciting. I was talking with some other voice students today and they shared similar feelings. It must be that point of the festival. I figured for my people back home to truly understand the dynamics of the program then I needed to be honest about everything happening here... not just the fluffy, happy things. There's plenty of AMAZING music being made, but the behind the scene stuff can be scary too. Here I am, with 40 other singers, working and praying to make a living of singing. Time to keep working. "Don't worry about failure. Worry about the chances you miss when you don't even try." -Unknown